“Candide Visits Morningside Heights”

Excerpted from imaginary Voltaire

In the best of all possible universities, young Pangloss enrolled at Columbia, hoping to study Philosophy, Modern Hebrew, and the Architecture of Dissent. But lo! A decree came from the Empire: Thou shalt surrender thine research grants unless thou denouncest thine own students, extinguishest thy troublesome historians, and appointeth a Provost of Balanced Middle East Discourse, preferably with clearance from the Department of Civilized Feelings.

“We must protect liberty,” said the President, as she signed away autonomy.

“We must enforce civil debate,” said the Trustees, as they handed student visa data to immigration agents.

“We must prevent antisemitism,” they declared, as they redefined it to mean anything unpleasant to donors.

Pangloss was puzzled. “What of the freedom to argue? The freedom to offend?” “Ah,” said his dean, “you mistake freedom for funding.”

And so, with $221 million paid and academic integrity sold at a favourable rate, Pangloss and his classmates gathered in Butler Library, only to find it locked — freedom now resided in the Office of External Compliance.